Why am I doing this?

Training!

Here's the deal...I have an Ironman on November 25th in Cozumel Mexico (I know can it get any sweeter?!) so my training is at it's crunch time now - I have 6 weeks. Just as everyone's tri season is at an end mine is at it's peak. The bright side is that most of my friends are training for marathons so I can at least get them to meet up for weekend runs. Even if we're not the same pace agreeing to meet them commits me and gets me out the door and this is great riding weather for cycling so I'm grateful to have cycling buddies still on the road.

For the last few months I have been struggling, really struggling with wanting to train. I took the entire June/July off of swimming (something I love to do), I barely ran (bane of my existence) but I did keep up with cycling (my true love). At a truly low point I questioned if I really wanted to do this IM (Ironman). I was constantly asking myself what was my purpose in training for a second IM? Because let me tell you, there is a difference between training for your first, your second and I'm going to take a gander and say any other IM repeat. 

In my first IM I was trying to prove to myself that I can do this hard as hell feat. And I did, I proved to myself and everyone that I could become an Ironman athlete. However, the second is a different story. I've already proven I can do it, so why do I have to do another? Why do I want to do another? What's my motivation? Where does my drive come from? Hard questions indeed. Jordan Rapp said in one of his blogs "But getting to the starting line is often just as - if not more - difficult than getting to the finish line". No truer words could have been written for me this year.

In mid August I went to IM Mont Tremblant for the weekend to train and support my good friend Seb. Being surrounded by the IM buzz and excitement made me realize I wasn't ready to give up the IM journey. I'm not a quitter and if I were to stop...well...I know others would understand but I would feel like I gave up on myself. 

Two weeks after IM Mont Tremblant I went to Boise Idaho to train and decompress at my coaches house (yes him and his wife are that awesome). I had a solid 8 days of swimming and running that first week in September. It was the perfect jump start I needed in order to get back into the training groove. I had not been consistent so to get my endorphins every day, to sweat and stretch, to sleep. It was heaven. I truly enjoyed myself and was ready to get back home to train.

Now that I'm back in the thick of it all, it feels good to have a routine and structure. WHY do I ever stop?!?

Have I discovered what motivates me? Where my drive comes from? Why I feel the need to sign up for IM distance? I think I'm starting to get a clue. I know I have consistency issues and I can (and DO) fall off the training wagon...that is a constant thing I'm trying to work on, maybe I always will. Training for an event of this magnitude requires a lot of planning and making deals with myself (I must have been a lawyer in my past life), figuring out who I can get to go with me for workouts or swim classes. Because let's face it, it's a hell of a lot more fun to be in pain with friends then flying solo. I like going long, that's why I'm interested in half iron or iron distance triathlons. In my quest to figure out the why - I am realizing it's not just triathlon I'm interested in going long with. I want to hike the Grand Canyon rim to rim, I want to swim a 3-6 mi open water swim (OWS). I want to do a marathon trail race. Going long. Pushing myself mentally beyond what I think possible. Yes, I'm an endurance junkie.

Chris Macca on ITU vs IM distance Triathlete magazine

Despite completing an Ironman last year I am still very new to the triathlon world and the consistent training that it involves. The biggest thing I'm learning on this IM journey is that I need to make sure I'm doing it (Ironman) for the right reasons. That I never feel like it's "work", because I'm not getting paid to do this. I'm paying to do it! It's okay to take breaks from training but not too long. It's okay to still be trying to figure out what kind of athlete I am and where my strengths are within each discipline. It doesn't happen overnight (as much as I want it to), and the process is painfully long...but so is the race. What I am 100% sure of is crossing the finish line makes all this hemming and hawing seem trivial and inconsequential. Crossing the finish line makes you appreciate the magic in the world. The race is physical of course but it's mostly mental.

I guess I am learning a few things on this journey.

Can't Forget...

Her boys

Me and my sis Aurie!

I just came back from some R&R and training in Boise. My flight was supposed to land at 11:40pm on September 10th. I chose my return trip home on the 10th so I wouldn't have to fly in or out of NYC on 9-11. Things don't always go as planned do they? I had a delay in departure and my original two and a half layover turned into four and a half hours. I didn't mind because I got to spend time with my older sister and nephews who live in Utah. It was and is the best way to spend a layover.

However, as my plane touched ground and I was able to turn my phone on to (of course) check Facebook and see what happened in the hours since disconnection; my iPhone was flooded with images and messages of 9-11 remembrance. Being on the plane, coming out of the airport with the clear early morning (2am) night skies, crescent moon shining and the tower at the airport shining red,white and blue stripes. Reminders.

I'm lucky because I didn't know anyone who died because of the attack. I'm grateful because of it. And yet...I am always deeply saddened by this day. I have never been able to watch the movies and documentaries that have been made regarding that day. I try to block it. I feel a little guilty for saying that but I do. I don't want to think about the loss. The devastation. How things changed.

So many lives around the world were affected by it.

On the day it occurred I was home sleeping (did I not have a job or something?) My mom had just gotten back from dropping my sister Crystal off at school. In Manhattan. At the time we were living in Red Hook Brooklyn. You could see the city skyline and the towers from just a few blocks away. My mom ran into my room and told me to turn the TV on, that a plane had crashed into the towers. I thought it was a joke or that it was yet another movie scene being filmed in NYC. But no, it was real. I could smell the smoke in my bedroom.

My sister wound up having to walk home over the Brooklyn Bridge but she was ok. And while she was doing that my mom and I were watching the second tower collapse before our eyes on-screen. Tears streaming down our faces.

Photo at the top of the Twin Towers

I was in shock. I couldn't believe it. Didn't want to believe it. The night before I had gone with my girlfriend and my dog Val to Coffey pier to look at the towers, smoke some pot (yup I did that then) and share some laughs. It was a beautiful night. I used to go to that Pier a few times a week with Val. I always made it a point to look to my left at the Verrazano Bridge, straight ahead to the Statue of Liberty and I always saved the best for last...looking to my right at the Twin Towers. I remembered as a kid I went to the top of the tower with my sisters and my dad. I still have that picture on my dresser - both the towers and my dad are no longer part of this world.

Never again would I see them. You take things for granted. I know I did. I know I do.  But I'm glad I was able to share the night before lives were forever altered, by recognizing the simple beauty of the city skyline with my girlfriend and my dog.

I'm glad no one I know died.

I have friends who have served in the military. I have friends who are currently serving in the military. Friends in the NYPD and the FDNY and...I forget. It took a new friendship I came across through a writing class to remind me what it's like for families in the military. To remind me that yeah I DO know people overseas. I can't even try to imagine what it's like to have that be your job. I have no concept. It scares the shit out of me. Whoever signs up to be part of any form of military or state government has a lot of balls.

So, with my rambling where does this leave me? Yes September 11th makes me sad, but it also makes me appreciate my military friends who are currently active and who have served in the past. My friends and family who are part of the NYPD and FDNY. NYC and myself were forever changed on 9-11 and as much as I've tried in the past to block it, well, living here you can't. There are reminders everyday; so instead of trying to block it I'll try understanding and appreciating a little more.

Jump, Climb, Crawl

It's scary. You try not to panic. Try not to overwhelm yourself with the fear. You feel your throat closing in and at the same time it feels as though someone has a piece of fabric around your neck tightening from behind. Slowly.

Take a couple of deep breaths but you have to use your shoulders and kinda lift your whole upper body to do it. Take two puffs. There that should make it better. Please make it work. Wait a few minutes...shit. It's not working.

Don't panic. Two more puffs. That doesn't work? Go to plan B. Ahh the sweet relief. Those puffs of white air never looked so good. Damn asthma attacks.

Don't think about having to deal with this and the betes. It's ok. You'll learn to manage. That's the only thing you can do. Learn to manage and jump, climb, crawl over these obstacles that seem to always want to get in your way.


Diabetes. Stress fractures. Life. Asthma. Who the fuck cares. I'm not a quitter and that's all that matters. 16:55:09

Permanence, perseverance and persistence in spite of all obstacles, discouragement, and impossibilities: It is this, that in all things distinguishes the strong soul from the weak. ~Thomas Carlyle